Today is not a good day.
Today is not a good day for my roommate because one of her friends recently committed suicide.
Today is not a good day for one of my best friends because her sister just had a miscarriage.
Today is not a good day for me because... Because why? Because I feel badly for their losses? No (although I do feel for them), that's not it. The truth is that, although I don't know the precise reason for it, I can't remember the last truly good day I've had. And it's really a shame, because part of me feels that I have no "right" to be this depressed all the time. What's worse, what really gets me, is that I probably did this to myself (but that's something I'm not going to get into right now). And I don't know if I can crawl out of this hole that I've dug myself into. I feel like I'm not even present in my own life. My days blur together, even when I make myself accomplish something each day. I spend nearly all my time just trying to make it through the day. I don't laugh anymore. I have no energy. I have no passion. There is nothing that I really want to DO, except for maybe to eat, and to sleep. Yes, especially to eat.
Sounds like textbook depression right? Well that's probably true, I won't deny that. I'm fairly sure there's something physical going on here. But just putting a label on it doesn't make it magically go away.
I actually have a blog already. Two blogs. One that was dedicated to weight issues (when all you want to do is eat, you tend to pack on some pounds), and a more recent one dedicated to just the depression. I realize now though that they are too intertwined to try to separate. I am deciding to start from scratch, which is refreshing, and just try to dump out some of the contents of my mind into this new blog. Maybe, by some miracle, it will be a helpful tool for me in figuring myself out. Maybe, by another miracle, someone will read something in here and it will help them as well.
Each time I write a new post (I'm going to try for every day for now, but we'll see how that goes), I'm going to share both something from the past and something from the present. I'm not necessarily going to tell the story of my past in chronological order, but I'll at least try to put some sort of date on them so it makes some sort of sense. Just whatever memory pops up at the time. Maybe it will be relevant to what my thoughts are that day... Maybe not.
I should probably give at least a little bit of general information to start. I feel silly writing a list of "things you should know" about me, because there is no way I can sum up everything that I am into bullet points, but you have to start somewhere right? So here it goes...
I...
..will be 20 years old in 18 days.
..am 5'2" and have lost 80 pounds in the past year and a half (going from obese to slightly ..underweight according to the BMI charts).
..have had problems with addiction (food, drugs, video games, etc.).
..have flirted with eating disorders and extreme self hatred.
..got out of an almost 2 year relationship with a live-in boyfriend almost 8 months ago.
..am about to start my last semester of community college and have no idea what I'm going to do after that.
..have been diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disorder but no meds have really helped me.
..don't currently have any really close friends because I don't often want to be around people anymore.
..wonder if this "living my life" thing will ever get any easier.
